How a  Telemarketer Made Me Nice Again

 My cell phone rings with a weird number for the third time today and it’s not even 10 am. Usually, I let it ring on silent but this time I answer with the intention to put yet another telemarketer in their place and beg them to put me on the elusive do-not-call list.

I answer and a woman says, yes hello Mr. Watkins!

I’m a woman and I sound like a woman so I said dripping in sarcasm, hellooo sir. Silence. I then say sorry, I thought it was opposite day, this is actually Mrs. Watkins.

Right off the bat she apologized and added that we are neighbors because she lives in the city just nearby me. Great. Didn’t even realize the meter maids of the ether had homes but she seems nice so I’ll let her continue before I rip her a new one.

She begins to tell me about a great program for solar—I immediately cut her off and ask why I get calls every day, no joke, about solar energy panels. I make extra sure to say “every” dripping in a harsh dry tone. She explains that it’s not just solar energy, it’s the windows, roof and every energy saving program I could want. I say, as un-assholey as I can manage, that if I wanted any of those things, then I would call some rando company and get them myself. I don’t need thrice daily reminders of how great this particular deal is.

She acknowledges that but says this is a great deal! Can’t knock a girl for trying, like really hard to sell some shit that no one wants. Since I’m really just curious at this point, and not even annoyed anymore, why, even after I have asked to have these people stop calling about the same GD thing every day I still get calls. No one gave a shit about me saving money on energy a year ago, why do they literally harass my ass and want to help me so badly now? To this she replied… I don’t know.

Now I’m even more determined to get to the bottom of this obvious conspiracy. You don’t know? But really tell me why? Why do you care so much? And she laughs and says, I have a lot of why’s in my life right now too. Why do I have two jobs, why is the cost of living so high, why is Trump in office? These were her words verbatim. I love this woman.

She apologized again for wasting my time and I said, no actually, thank you. You reminded me of something really important. While I hate getting these calls, I don’t have to hate the person on the other end. She asked me to have a nice day and I asked her to do the same. I sat in a haze for a second and put myself in her shoes. We are all just trying to get answers in life. We are in this together. Even the telemarketer who hates her job and the person on the other end of the phone that can’t take even one more call about solar fucking energy panels.      AHW

What Am I Going to Wear?!

Whether it be a wedding, a date or anywhere with people who, in your mind, may judge you, an exciting event can be both something you look forward to and also something you dread. Why? Well, let’s start with what the hell to wear…

You want to look put together but not too polished; smokin’ hot but not trashy; you want people to look but not stare or mutter – oh my god what was she thinking? I can totally see her muffin top. Mean? Uh yes, but don’t lie, it’s what’s going through your head as you mentally plan the outfit. Not that you care what other people think but yeah, you kinda do, be honest.  Hopefully, you can get over that real quick and just say, screw it, imma wear what makes me comfortable. We all have that go-to outfit that we feel confident in. So put it on and rock it…

Uh-oh… It’s at the cleaners, ripped, (gasp!) doesn’t fit and there is no time to shop, lose 3 pounds or get a boob job! Okay, sit down, stay calm and reevaluate. Grab everything that is black (and fits!) and lay it out. Pull out your heels, boots, and booties. Look in jewelry boxes and pick out layers and a few fun or fave pieces. Raid those lingerie drawers because everyone feels better in some sexy unmentionables. Phew! Now you’ve got something to work with and it’s way better than you had imagined. Yes, it’s all black but yes it’s chic and honey, nobody looks bad in black.

You LOOK amazing, but do you FEEL amazing? The best accessory is confidence, okay-- Can I get a hallelujah? Even if you did dress totally wrong for the event, you’ve got your back, and so you carry yourself with grace and confidence. Suddenly, you feel like the best-dressed person and it has nothing to do with what you are wearing. Have an arsenal of little self-supporting statements that you can paint on before going out – Say things like, “I could rock sweats and heels if I wanted too, I’m that cool,” and “A smile is brighter than a diamond necklace, throw in a laugh and I could be wearing keds with red ruffled socks,” finally, “I judge myself a million times harder than anyone else would, so chill the hell out and go have some fun!”             AHW

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Ninja Party Planning: Guest List Edition

My husband and I have a lot of friends, I’m not bragging I swear, but sometimes deciding on a guest list for one of our rad pool parties can be more like matchmaking then let’s get the gang together. We have all types of friends that we love hanging out with, but not all of those friends would get along. For example, we have single friends sans kids that don’t like sharing the Jacuzzi with a crying baby, and we have friends with kids that love hanging with adults while they hold their crying baby in the Jacuzzi. See how that doesn’t work? What about the drinkers and the non-drinkers, the smokers and the ew you smoke-ers, or how about the meat eaters and the vegans? Westside, Eastside, ugh, Valley? And holy shit, the Republicans, and the Democrats? It’s all too much! Party canceled! No, not really. Can’t we all just get along? Yes, and here is how… Invite whomever the fuck you want and leave it up to them to get along.

Too simple? Okay, here are some non-aggressive ways to cinch up that guest list.

Split the party into two: This is a great way to ease a little stress (or double the stress I guess, depending on how you look at it!) I am not advocating for segregating your social circle, but sometimes we split our big party into Saturday and Sunday or this weekend and next weekend. It’s usually the kids included versus adults-only that gets the division, mainly because we don’t have children. If you have kids, then maybe your division would be the parents you like to hang with versus the parents of the kids your kids like to hang with. If they are one and the same then consider yourself a unicorn (or so say my parent friends!) LHM (Lord have Mercy!)

Theme up: Foodie party? Elsa and that snowman theme? Pot-luck? Rose all day? Who’s got a medical marijuana license party? If you can theme up your party then creating a guest list around who’s most likely to enjoy weed or wine pairings with stinky cheese is a hell of a lot easier. It’s also a great way to make an excuse in case a non-guest list-er finds out you’ve had the party of the century and didn’t invite them. It would go down something like this, “Hey, thanks for inviting me to your rad party… NOT!” You smile and reply, “You would’ve hated it. Cheese everywhere. The house smelled like dirty feet. I know how much you loathe cheese.” Insta-forgiveness. Total transparency - the party of the century was the Elsa/snowman people and the medical marijuana people.

Open house party: If decision-making isn’t your strong suit then this is a great choice. You start your party on the earlier side and just have it go all day long. The parents with kids will all be out by 6 PM and then the “adulting” can begin. You could even mix the open house theme with the split the party theme! It really depends on your stamina and how much you love your friends. Or until the booze runs out, but they have delivery service for that now so you really have no excuse.

Core people party: This is one of my favorite choices, ‘cuz it’s easy. You gather the friends that all know and love each other and have a mellow gathering to catch-up. These are always great on a Saturday around sunset. Pour some wine, have everyone bring a favorite dish and then just chill.

There are many ways to be a stellar host when it comes to people pairing. You know who your friends are. Sure there can be a wild card, the friend that drinks too much and grinds on your umbrella pole or the new friend that you thought was cool but that sat in the shade peeling labels off beer bottles. Whether you split the party in two, theme-up, open house it or choose the core people option, it’s YOUR damn party, and no one throws a party like you. Except me, I throw rad parties ;)            AHW